Are you weary? I am weary.
I know I have been MIA for a while. *smile* The past few months have been very hard. How could I write on a blog when I am struggling so much myself? So I haven't written anything.
After reading another bloggers confession of struggling in life and other women telling her it is OK. They would love for her to share and be honest with her struggles. It gave me the courage that it's ok...my life doesn't have to be perfect to write. I can share some of my struggles. I don't want to gossip or slander, especially my marriage, which it can be a fine line between trying to share those struggles, but not give too much info (while trying to get across the hurt, etc) or vent. That would not be God honoring. I think it would be worse to make it sound like everything is great and I have it all together, then to be more open.
Because I'm NOT perfect. I'm a work in progress...striving to be more Christ like. My walk with the Lord is not perfect...I make mistakes all the time as a mom...and I find "this whole marriage thing" to be really, really hard! It's been almost a year since living together and as time goes on, that I constantly fall short as a wife.
Here is where I'm a:
A few days into September, I found out we had not paid rent and there was no more money. Long story short we moved in with my parents at the very last moment. We are living in the second story of my parents garage (it's finished), though the bathroom and kitchenette aren't finished, so we are also in their house.
My husband still doesn't have a job. Which brings on fear and stress itself. He went down to MS for 3 1/2 weeks during the month of Oct. to work for family. Which was a blessing! It allowed us to pay the monthly bills that month and it give us some needed time apart (at least I did).
I have been struggling with our situation and in my marriage. Things my husband thinks and has said, takes my breath away and hurts. Honestly I feel so lonely in my marriage!
I have also struggled with being depressed. That is SOOOO hard and scary to admit let alone write down. But it's true...it physically hurt to be around people, such as going to church. All I wanted to do was cry and sleep. I am questioning everything, yet I know God is in control and still trust Him, though I don't fully understand. I don't think I'm depressed anymore, I feel better, I am still so burnt out though.
Through it all, through all the pain...God is still in control! He has been gently reminding me to continue fighting for my marriage and to CONTINUALLY pray for it! Even if I feel like giving up, that I need to pray. So I have been trying to just do that.
I read this the other day and it's exactly how I feel and one reason I'm tempted not to share. I don't want to stay here, I don't want to seem faithless. We are to find joy in ALL our trials, so how can I admit, I'm struggling with that?:
Dear God, I am so sorry for being discouraged. I know it is just a process of grieving and working through pain in my life, but I don't want to get stuck here. I don't want to appear faithless to those around me. Please, help me to live victoriously through the power of Your Holy Spirit. Please, show me the way, and bring the word of Your unfailing love to me, that I may be comforted and that I may be a living testimony for You. Thank you, Lord, in Jesus' name. Amen.I think it would be a good time to finish our 30 Days of Gratitude. *smile*
What has God been doing in your life lately?
For His Glory,
