Saturday, April 6, 2013

Missing Our Daughter on Her 5th Birthday

Today is our sweet Emma's 5th birthday.

It's so bitter-sweet.

It makes the reminder of her absence so much stronger.

I sit here reflecting on her past birthdays and it hits me like a "slap in the face." I don't know what her likes and dislikes are anymore. I don't know what the theme of her party will be...or what she would love for a gift.

Oh what pain it brings not knowing.

Lord willing I plan on sharing the story of losing her at a later date. Today I want to share about her and God bringing her into our lives.

My oldest daughter Dakota, starting asking for a little sister. I didn't think it would happen...I was not going to marry her father...what godly-man would want to marry a single how could I possibly giver her a sister?!

I told her to pray...

She was three and she did...

I found her one afternoon outside in the grass...arms stretched heavenward...her face looking up...loudly praying, "Please God, I just want a baby sister!"

I broke my heart and I prayed, "God how can I give her a baby sister?"

Well, God heard us and later that summer my mom told me my aunt (her sister) had called. My cousin apparently had a 3 month old daughter. My cousin's life style is a wicked lifestyle and not good for Emma. She call my Aunt and Uncle and asked to meet her at the train station one day. They thought she and the baby were coming home. Far from it! She got off the train hand Emma to them, with a few items and turned around and left back for her lifestyle.

We found out Emma had been dehydrated so bad she was hospitalized as a newborn. She had bruises on her face and body (the pimp/father beat her) and she weighted less then when she was born.

They got emergency permanent guardianship of Emma. But was asking if there was anyone in the family that would be interested in raising (eventually adopting) her. I knew in my heart that she was an answer to prayer, so I jumped at the chance. 

I was not their first choice, since I was a single mother. But the two other cousins and their spouses they asked said, no (for various reasons).

Dakota and I would go out (a FAR drive) and visit for a weekend, to get to know Emma. Then at the end of the summer they left her with us for a week trial. Which went wonderfully and I knew that I wanted to pursue permanent guardianship and adoption. 

I raised (and shortly after my husband as well) Emma as my own daughter. She only knew me as mom, Joseph as Dad, and Dakota as her sister. My Aunt and Uncle were Grammy and Grampy.

The last birthday I spent with her and threw for her, was her 3rd birthday.

I just had cake with my husband and Dakota for her first birthday.

Her second birthday we were down South visiting my husband's family. We threw her a party there with everyone, she LOVED Elmo. So it was Elmo themed and I even made her an Elmo fish bowl cake. *smile* Such bitter-sweet memories.

Her third birthday party was at our house and was the first one with her grandparents and my family. It was Big Bird/Sesame Street themed. She got her own purse with her very own glitter crayons and she loved ballerinas.

Is she having a party today? What does she now love? Sometimes the pain feels like it is going to suffocate me. But I trust Jesus in this pain! He has a reason and purpose. Just like Joseph went there many trials and I'm sure questioned, but..."You meant it for harm, but God meant it for good."

Happy birthday my sweet, sweet Emma! I miss your contagious giggles...those beautiful sparkly brown eyes... the way you loved your blankie and to snuggle...I miss watching you twirl like a ballerina....

Happy birthday my love! May you have a wonderful birthday and pray that you are happy and healthy! I love and miss you my daughter, my heart.



  1. Such a bittersweet story! I wish you strength from Above as you deal with this loss.

  2. Such beautiful birthday memories, but I can only imagine the pain you are all experiencing :( My prayers are with you & your family this week.

    I found your blog through the Meet & Greet ~ you're one of my linky neighbors :)


  3. Thank you! Hi neighbor. ;) It's so nice to meet you Heather! :)


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