Tuesday, September 18, 2012

One Year Later Part 2

   Be still my Soul
1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
By: Catharina von Schlegel 

      My husband and I knew I was pregnant almost right away. You see we had gotten pregnant when our youngest was 6 months old and hadn't realized it. My symptoms where completely different then my first two. Actually I thought I had a parasite and started a cleanse. About a month later I had an unexpected miscarriage (not that any are expected, we just didn't know that I was pregnant).  Since we leave our family size up to God, we knew it was a possibility that I would get pregnant and well, we did *smile* and I knew it almost from day one. So it was no surprise when the test said positive! It certainly didn't take away from our excitement though or our nerves. After having a miscarriage we decided to wait and tell people in case we miscarried again.

     At about 8 weeks over Memorial day weekend, my husband was able to come home and we had fun plans for that weekend! That Monday we decided to start the day by heading to the mall for some fancy coffee drinks and to check out the sales on maternity clothes (oh the irony!). Shortly before leaving I didn't feel right and went to the restroom and to my horror I was bleeding!! I remember frantically yelling for my husband to come into the ladies room and told him I was bleeding. I could see the panic and fear on his face. He told me to take the kids and head out the closes door and sit and wait for him to come around with the car. When I stood up to get into the car blood ran down my legs and onto the ground! I will never forget the look on my husband's face while he quietly drove us home all the while holding my hand. I just sat there and silently cried while whispering, "No,Please God, I don't want to lose another baby!"

     We decided to go home, because if we where miscarrying, there was nothing the hospital could do. After getting me settled land ying on the couch (with a tarp under me *chuckle*), the bleeding stopped at some point! There was hope! Plus, I also wasn't having contractions like I had, had during my previous miscarriage. We prayed, ALOT and snuggled and talked after the kids where in bed. The next day we headed to my midwife's office to announce we were pregnant and that something was wrong....

     We had an ultrasound done and discovered I was not miscarrying and that our baby to our surprise was still alive! Praise God!! But there was a tear. I still don’t know if that is the correct term. Placenta Abruptio is the term for when women are in their 3rd trimester (when it usually happens), it is when the placenta (my child’s source of nourishment) detaches from the uterus wall. They don’t know why it happened and if it would get worse or better. There was a chance it would shrink and heal, but there was an even greater chance (especially as he got bigger) that it would get bigger and fully pull away. The risk was so high of losing Josiah that they didn't even start treating my pregnancy (as a "normal" one), they just took it day by day at first. 

     The next 3 months were scary and frustrating. I was suppose to take it easy to try and allow it to heal, but we were in the middle of moving and my husband was away. I was left to care for three girls, pack, move, and unpack, virtually by myself all the while trying to not lift anything and stay off my feet. Ha! 

     Life was up and down with our now "normal" weekly ultrasound results. One week it looked liked it had shrunk a bit, the next time it had gotten bigger. I continued to bleed on and off. One moment the bleeding was good (old blood flushed out by it healing) other times bad (it had gotten bigger). Round and round it went. I'd be lying if I didn't question God at times. I knew He was in control, but I struggled with the fear of losing another child. I never before cared about how big or little a centimeter was (that is how they measure the size of the tear)! 

Josiah's sweet little feet. 

    At around 16 weeks, we discovered an abnormality during one of the ultrasounds. It looked like our baby had a cleft lip. Honestly I was surprised but not upset. I kept thinking it could be worse,  it could be his heart or brain. It was all overwhelming though, we had just lost our 3 year old daughter a few weeks before, very suddenly and I kept thinking how cruel for that to happen at the same time as all of this. 

     After discovering the possibility of our child having a cleft lip, we had to see a specialist. During that visit we confirmed the cleft lip and found out it also included the palate. We also found out we were having a boy!! *Squeel!* Our first son (which I already knew since God kept telling me we were having a boy. I also firmly believe the child we lost was a boy) it was so exciting and scary at the same time)! We got even more bad news though…I had placenta previa.  (Placenta previa is a complication of pregnancy in which the placenta grows in the lowest part of the womb (uterus) and covers all or part of the opening to the cervix.) Placenta Previa is what almost killed my mom with her last pregnancy. If you go into labor, there is a VERY good chance you will bleed to death, the doctors can’t stop it. It was only by the grace and literally a miracle of God that my mother’s bleeding stopped.

It's a boy! :)

     So here we were at about 18 weeks along, I have a tear that won’t heal (it actually had gotten bigger), a child that is going to be born with birth defects and need special care, struggling with the loss of our daughter, we had just moved, and now the concern of losing my life. It was all a scary whirl wind, all I could do was cling to Jesus! My husband works 1,200 miles away, we live in separate states and now I had to go on bed rest. So our 2 girls and I moved into my parent’s house, I spent the next month mostly on their couch, trying to parent a 6 and 1 year old! Things were about to get even scarier though....

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil. 4:13

Tomorrow I will continue to share Josiah's story and God's unwavering love and mercy for us. Have you had any difficult pregnancies? I would love to hear about them!

In case you missed it, you can read part 1. Click here:
Part 1

For His glory,

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