God be my Strength

Cooing and smiling at mom!

Yesterday we had Savannah's Cardiologist appointment...I was not looking forward to it. I knew weight gain had been slow. I even contemplated canceling the appointment and rescheduling it for a later time, in order to give her more time to gain weight...but I didn't.

I met the third and last cardiologist. She was very nice, I liked her immediately! I appreciated how she treated me as an equal and spent time explaining everything and answering any questions I had.

She explained that she is concerned about Savannah's weight gain and how the lack of weight gain actually put more strain on her heart. She showed me her chart and how she has slowly fallen off the chart for her age. As she put it, "she's wasting away." Though Savannah HAS gained some weight since birth! She is at 8.4lbs at this time...that is way below what she should weigh though.

It's our little "peanut"

I asked about waking her several times through the night. You see Savannah started sleeping through the night! Every mother's dream, right?! Nightmare for me though!! Besides who in their right mind would wake a sleeping baby?! ;) She is so exhausted from just breathing (it's a workout on it's own, nursing even more so), that she sleeps a lot. Waking her would not allow her body to get the rest it needs and breastmilk alone does not supply enough calories. She burns so many calories that we really need her to take a bottle with fortified breastmilk (which I, hate, hate, HATE...I don't want her on formula, even just a little), but she wont take a bottle even for the therapist and she's not getting enough through the syrenge! I would have to feed her all day with it. Which I do spend the majority of my afternoons doing just that.

Needless to say, unless she took a bottle there is nothing else I can do except have an NG Tube placed. The NG Tube is the issue I feared and dreaded the most (besides OPEN HEART SURGERY) and now we are facing that. Josiah use to rip his out ALL the time in the NICU! Augh!! At least she can still eat if it gets pulled out until a nurse can put it back in.

We found out Friday that the health insurance will not continue covering for the VNA nurse to come out for weight checks. The doctors are NOT happy and disagree with that decision. So her coming home with an NG Tube should get that started again, since it WILL be medically necessary (we hope!).

So the cardiologist asks if I will need time to get all my "ducks in a row" before. I like of course! I have 3 other kids I have to get situated. I start to tell her that next will be REALLY difficult to find help, but if she gives me a few days, I can probably figure something out. Her response..."No I mean this needs to get done. As in I want her admitted tomorrow (Wed.)." Umm...Does she have kids?!? HAHAHA! All I can still do is laugh at that! She wants me to be at the hospital for a few days and all I'm given is ONE afternoon to get this ready!! :p 

Hanging out with Naomi. :)

SOOOOO needless to say, I'm just as stressed about getting everything situated as I am about the procedure!!  God has provided help for at least today and I'm getting ready to head into Boston. All I can do is hand this over to GOD, HE is in control and is my strength, my help, and my comforter.

The adventure begins....


For HIS Glory,

Struggles

Are you weary? I am weary.

I know I have been MIA for a while. *smile* The past few months have been very hard. How could I write on a blog when I am struggling so much myself? So I haven't written anything.

After reading another bloggers confession of struggling in life and other women telling her it is OK. They would love for her to share and be honest with her struggles. It gave me the courage that  it's ok...my life doesn't have to be perfect to write. I can share some of my struggles. I don't want to gossip or slander, especially my marriage, which it can be a fine line between trying to share those struggles, but not give too much info (while trying to get across the hurt, etc) or vent. That would not be God honoring. I think it would be worse to make it sound like everything is great and I have it all together, then to be more open.

Because I'm NOT perfect. I'm a work in progress...striving to be more Christ like. My walk with the Lord is not perfect...I make mistakes all the time as a mom...and I find "this whole marriage thing" to be really, really hard! It's been almost a year since living together and as time goes on, that I constantly fall short as a wife.

Here is where I'm a:

A few days into September, I found out we had not paid rent and there was no more money. Long story short we moved in with my parents at the very last moment. We are living in the second story of my parents garage (it's finished), though the bathroom and kitchenette aren't finished, so we are also in their house.

My husband still doesn't have a job. Which brings on fear and stress itself. He went down to MS for 3 1/2 weeks during the month of Oct. to work for family. Which was a blessing! It allowed us to pay the monthly bills that month and it give us some needed time apart (at least I did).

I have been struggling with our situation and in my marriage. Things my husband thinks and has said, takes my breath away and hurts. Honestly I feel so lonely in my marriage!

I have also struggled with being depressed. That is SOOOO hard and scary to admit let alone write down. But it's true...it physically hurt to be around people, such as going to church. All I wanted to do was cry and sleep. I am questioning everything, yet I know God is in control and still trust Him, though I don't fully understand. I don't think I'm depressed anymore, I feel better, I am still so burnt out though.

Through it all, through all the pain...God is still in control! He has been gently reminding me to continue fighting for my marriage and to CONTINUALLY pray for it! Even if I feel like giving up, that I need to pray. So I have been trying to just do that.

I read this the other day and it's exactly how I feel and one reason I'm tempted not to share. I don't want to stay here, I don't want to seem faithless. We are to find joy in ALL our trials, so how can I admit, I'm struggling with that?:

Dear God, I am so sorry for being discouraged. I know it is just a process of grieving and working through pain in my life, but I don't want to get stuck here. I don't want to appear faithless to those around me. Please, help me to live victoriously through the power of Your Holy Spirit. Please, show me the way, and bring the word of Your unfailing love to me, that I may be comforted and that I may be a living testimony for You. Thank you, Lord, in Jesus' name. Amen.

I think it would be a good time to finish our 30 Days of Gratitude. *smile*

What has God been doing in your life lately?


For His Glory,